Grade 1, the End of an Era

It strikes me as I am wading through the piles of brightly coloured Barbie lunch boxes and Hannah Montana backpacks of various shapes and sizes, looking for the perfect back-to-school paraphernalia; that before I know it, my youngest will be heading off into the world. It’s the End of an Era, there are no more babies in our house and none on the horizon. So this is it, my baby girl will leave for grade one. She will head off on Tuesday with little thought to her teary-eyed mother, who will no doubt spend the entire day wallowing in the fading memories of every milestone she has surpassed thus far in her short independent life.

Which new phase has troubled me the most? It’s hard to say, maybe the day she told me she wanted to pick out her own clothes, because we “don’t know fashion.” Or when she toilet trained and had to move into a big girl bed in order to go to the bathroom without scaling the side of the crib, two painful milestones in one! It might even have been the day she decided to start brushing her own hair….*sigh*

It’s hard to say which milestone was the most difficult for Mommy, although I distinctly remember the pain of putting away her tiny pink go-go boots  and buying Princess sippy cups and a toddler bed. Has it been 6 years since I was told she’d need to be born premature at 34 weeks? How did the minutes turn into months and years without my noticing? How will I make it through the next 12 years before she goes to college and gets married? Am I the only one who feels like the next decade is a runaway train and I’m barely hanging on? Does anyone else burst into tears while watching “Say Yes to the Dress”?

So between 8:30am and 3:00pm between Monday to Friday I will be a childless mother…wondering if she’s ok; are the other kids being nice to her? Has someone told her that her hair looks funny or her shoes aren’t cool? Is she eating her lunch? Is she having fun? Does she miss staying home with Mommy as much as I miss having her home? Has she learned any bad words today? Is the teacher gentle, does she understand her independenct spirit? Will she ever learn to love reading? Have we done a good job preparing her for this time in her life? What have we forgotten to teach her? Will she be forever damaged because she can follow a recipe and make cookies but can’t read as well as her brother could entering grade one?

I realize that I am over-reacting, and surely I’m not the first mother to see grade one as the beginning of the end. My rational side says there are a million more milestones on the horizon that will be equally exciting and emotional for us both. The school age years will blend into the teeny-bopper phase and then the tumultuous teens, which I’m told is more painful and rewarding than any valley I have passed through thus far.

And so I reach up and pluck a leopard print lunch box off the shelf and put it into a pink backpack and head to the grocery section for a box of fruit roll-ups, because after all…she’s only six and it’s only grade one. (Besides,  I made it through the first child going to grade one, so I’m sure I’ll live through this one too.)

Post-Baby Mommy

Recently watching home videos from when my children were smaller, I was overwhelmed (once again) by how much I love them and how much they have grown in the last few years. We often take for granted that our offspring will grow up, but it is so amazing to see it in full colour on the t.v. I am often torn between pride that they have grown up so beautiful and healthy and a slight sadness that I can’t ever go back and see them when they were babies. I would love to be able to do that, not turn back the clock permanently, just a quick visit.

Not only have my children changed, but I have changed since having children. I was thinking about all the things about me that have changed as a result of having babies or being a mother, positive and negative changes. The list seems to be endless, but here are a few… 

Wider Feet – That’s right, I’m sure all you Mom’s out there are giving me a shout out as you squeeze your feet into your shiny pre-baby heels that you can only wear comfortably when you are sitting down and there is no weight on them!

Aversion Therapy  – I used to run away from spiders and earwigs screeching like a 2 year old, until my son began to respond in the same way and my hubby begged me to help him cope with little crawlers maturely, so he wouldn’t be ridiculed by future peers. I am happy to report that I now successfully deal with rogue spiders by stepping on them and swallowing the bile. This summer I endeavoured to do the same with snakes. While on vacation, my 9 year old found more than 10 and I actually held one, in an effort to prove that I could do it with out passing out. Baby steps.

Medical Degree – Okay, so I haven’t actually achieved a Phd in medicine, but I am super-proficient in identifying all forms of pink eye, lice, constipation, ear infection, fever, warts, ingrown toenails,  flu etc..

Instant Alertness – Since the time my son was nursing I have honed the ability to wake up at the drop of a hat, whether because my alarm is going or because one of the children is having a nightmare. This skill would have been handy in high school when I slept through the alarm for an hour straight, however it is an imperative part of being a mother especially since their dad is a heavy sleeper and often sleeps on his only good ear!

Blissfully Ignorant- There was a time when I enjoyed watching the news, I like to keep up with what was going on in the world. Since I had my first child, I have become a sobbing pile of tears whenever I read of an abducted child or murdered grandmother. Stories like the abduction of little Jaycee Dugard cut me to the core and cause an irrational fear of my children leaving my sight even for a minute. 

Media Censorhip- As a grown up, I am able to watch whatever I want on tv. However since my little ones started paying attention, I have to be much more vigilant about what they are experiencing through the screen. Just because something is on the Disney channel doesn’t mean it’s appropriate. Especially when every other show has idiotic irrelevant parents and children trying to get away with all sorts of bad things.

Expanding Comfort Zone – There are so many things that I was reluctant to do before I had children. Activities like swimming, hiking, and crafts come immediately to mind. But since becoming a Mom there are so many things that I have been able to do or experience that have enriched my life. Camping, Teaching Sunday School, Volunteering at the School, Waterslides, Cool Halloween Costumes, Field Trips, Splash Pads, Making Playdough plus many more.  I am so grateful for the opporunities my children have afforded me.

Physical Imperfections - I like to tease my children that I had a perfect body before I had them and that all the stretch marks, skin tags and extra rolls were the price I paid to bring them into this world. What? They weren’t there, they can’t prove it’s NOT true!

Ode To Miller

Some people have large families full of cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles. Their family vacations are spent strengthening the family bonds that began in childhood and now span a multiple generations. For our family, that is not an option. For a multitude of reasons, we don’t spend large quantities of time with our cousins, aunts and uncles etc. and although we love them very much, we don’t vacations with our extended family. That is why it is so important that we have found a place to make all those family connections, outside of our natural family. It’s said that “Friends are the Family we Choose”, I have found that to be extremely true, especially in one place particular.

More than just the cool sweet lake water and the warm soft sand of the volleyball court, more than the plague of frogs trying to escape from grubby little hands. It’s where we spend time with our God-Given family, the ones we have CHOSEN to spend time with. The Mom’s who share our struggles at bedtime, who offer the smile of encouragement when they see us negotiating one more bite. Friends that don’t judge us when we say “I’m going to tell you more time” and then decide to let it go in an effort to enjoy the afternoon at the beach. They don’t make us feel like we have failed as parents because we give the kids chocolate cheerios or lucky charms for breakfast and lose track of how many granola bars they eat between meals.

It’s where Dad’s try to catch snakes and frogs with the kids, and teach them to kayak and Mom’s build sandcastles and float on noodles. Where our men pray together and strengthen the bonds of manhood over ping pong until the garage smells like a locker room. Where every grown man feels like a kid again as he goes careening off the slippery dock or dumps ice cold water down a friends’ back.

Board games into the wee hours, kettlebells on the lawn, dodging skunks in search of a midnight snack, 12 people washing the dinner dishes at once, tipping the canoe, biblical scavenger hunts, Elijah bringing the fire, women sharing their struggles and interceding before the Lord, smores and skits at campfire, pranks, daytrips to the grotto and ice cream sundaes, there is just no place like it.

Coffeepot earwigs, droopy baby bathing suits, pouring rain, laundry stains, burnt caramel popcorn, sand in every crevice, mosquitos galore, 12 hours of pouring rain, thunder and lightning, and a severe potato shortage on Sundays can’t come close to dampening the joy we find there. Because there are too many blessings, too many people who love the Lord, too many families who have chosen to make this their extended family vacation if only for one week.

It’s where we make breakfast while tripping over eachother, where we break out the snacks and play silly games, where we build newspaper boats and sing a Halelujah chorus and keep our eyes on one anothers precious little ones. Where everyone pitches in for chores and we’re not afraid to look silly playing a game with the kids even though our little ones are not so little anymore.

If you still haven’t guessed where this magical place is, I’ll tell you…it’s Miller Lake and it’s where we choose to go every year to be with all our crazy friends who feel more like our family. And I’d rather be there than anywhere else.

Easier Than You Think…

There are certain “Truths” in life; in the human physical world, the natural world, the animal kingdom etc.. Things that we as people believe regardless of the lack of immediate proof or obvious rationality of these particular truths. Things like gravity for instance. We don’t need to see it or touch it to understand the concept. Why? Because we can see the effects of gravity when something is dropped off of a building. Because Sir Isaac Newton wrote the law of gravity, which is a mathematical explanation for the way that things attract based on experiments and observations. This is just one of many “truths” that we believe on a daily basis throughout our everyday lives.

We believe that we are pregnant when the pregnancy test shows a little pink plus sign. Why? How can anyone be so sure? When we have a blood test and the doctor confirms the urine test, did the doctor himself see the baby inside the mother at 3 weeks? Can mom feel the movements at this early stage? No, but somewhere, someone has defined the test and identified what the proof is. We all believe it completely until we can see/feel the baby ourselves. That takes a lot of faith.

We believe the Oncologist when he says, “You have cancer, you probably have 6 -8 months left”. Wow, that’s huge! Not only do we believe the man in the lab coat, but we submit to an insupportable gamut of tests and life altering treatments. Why? Can we see the cancer? Can the doctor be sure beyond any doubt that chemotherapy and radiation will save or even extend our lives? No. But we trust in the “evidence”, previous tests, personal testimony from survivors, scientific proof based on lab experiments we don’t understand or can even prove have been successfully performed. That’s a lot of faith required to make it through the negative side effects of cancer treatment.

We believe that healthy eating, exercise and rest will keep us healthy. How can we be so sure? How do we KNOW that healthy people are healthy because of their diet and exercise choices? Don’t we believe it to be true because we can examine their lives and see that when they adhere to a strict regime of healthy eating and activity their overall health improves? And don’t movies like “Supersize Me”, give us physical evidence to suggest that daily eating of “junk food” causes a definite deterioration of one’s physical health?

Given these specific situations that require a faith response even without absolute proof, why then, is it so hard to believe that there is a God? Why do so many people continue to maintain that belief in a Creator is so far-fetched?  The truth isn’t really THAT hard to grasp and the resulting joy that comes is SO SO worth it! The truth is this; that Humans are born sinners in need of a savior and therefore are separated from the Holy God. And that God’s son (Jesus Christ) came as the solution to that problem, because God loves us TOO MUCH to let us stay separated from Him?

Can’t we apply the same deductive reasoning and faith required to believe the aforementioned “truths” to the issue of Christianity? For example, there is overwhelming evidence that there is a God. There are the cliche proofs like sunsets and rainbows and inexplicable medical miracles. And then there are things like the human body, which doctors can only treat and analyze but are incapable of really explaining. There’s the universe itself, although scientists have attempted to form an “explanation” for the origins of the universe aka The Big Bang Theory, ultimately they still can’t explain where the original atoms that “crashed together” came from. The Big Bang Theory is in fact just a theory which cannoth be proven nor is it a concise reasoning for what it’s proponents claim that it explains, that is the spontaneous birth of the universe without a creator.

I find it interesting that people who claim to not believe in a God at all, use the reasoning that it requires too much faith to believe in God or Jesus. That the doctrines of Christianity are absurd and irrational. I think it’s easier to believe than you think. The world is full of evil and evidences of the effects of sin on humanity. There are millions of people every day all over the world who can show you how their faith in Christ has transformed their lives, freed them from pain, suffering and addictions. God has blessed them and enabled them to overcome incredible obstacles in life. Millions of people over hundreds and hundreds of years have lived and died praising the Glory of God. Doesn’t it require an incredible amount of faith to believe that SO many people could be ignorant or duped by a lie.

Many many people have tried to squash the church, eradicate Christians and destroy the Bible which is God’s Living Word, and yet it remains to this day the number one selling book of all time. In an age where the world tells us to look out for number one why would people still travel to far off lands and risk their lives to tell total strangers about Jesus? Because they know it to be true. They know the meaning of life. People need to be restored to the Lord, they need a saviour. Sin has separated us from God and His holiness. The only answer is Jesus. He died for us, in our place, and He ROSE AGAIN, conquering death! All we have to do is recognize that we are sinners in need of a saviour, accept the free gift and dedicate our lives to Him. Life in Christ isn’t always easier, but it’s SO MUCH BETTER.

There are so many things that require our unquestioning  faith on a daily basis, why is this incredibly life-altering promise so difficult to believe?

If you were dying and I knew the cure, would you hear my ideas even if it didn’t seem to make sense and the cure was laughed at by the world?

One-Handed Nightmare

Recently I hurt my right hand, an injury made infinitely worse by the fact that I am right handed, and I was shocked to realize how difficult the simplest tasks were throughout my daily routine. Most things I can still do, however there are at least 50 things that have been SO much more difficult or even impossible to execute with limited or no use of my right hand. I have compiled a list for your own information, in case any of you should find yourself lacking the use of your dominant hand…be prepared, it’s going to be touch and go for a while.

1. Open a bottle of Advil

2. Zip up my pants

3. Put my daughters hair in a ponytail

4. Put my OWN hair in a pony tail

5. Get out of the bathtub (go ahead, try it when you are all wet and the sides of the tub are all soapy and slippery!)

6. Wash dishes (I’m actually ok with THIS!)

7. Lock our front door (we need to pull with one hand and turn the key with the other)

8. Put the dog leash on

9. Sign a cheque properly (my signature is reminiscent of when I was 11 years old)

10. Peel potatoes

11. Text quickly (as much as I love my QWERTY phone, it’s too much work with one hand!)

12. Put my watch on and off

13. Fold laundry (it’s done, it’s just a big mess)

14. Make the bed (again, it’s done, it’s just messy!)

15. Carry a case of water bottles

16. Change and open the new milk bag

17. Battle my son with his Beyblades

18. Apply make up

19. Open my insulin pen to replace the cartridge

20. Wash my hands properly (it takes 10x as long now, trying to get them clean!) 

21. Put on deoderant

22. Operate my brassiere

23. Put a clip in my hair

24. Drive at 10 and 2 (I actually have an excuse now to “palm the wheel”)

25. Open a new water bottle (I inevitably get a bunch of water on my shirt while trying)

26. Pop ice cubes out of the tray

27. Apply hand sanitizer

28. Open my chapstick

29. Powder room visits….nuff said.

30. Drive a stick shift (fortunately I have an automatic, but even shifting into reverse is HARD!)

31. Make Rice Krispie Squares (you really have to hold the pot with one hand and give ‘er with the other)

32. Cut onions (or any vegetables really…)

33. Close a ziploc bag

34. Scoop coffee into filter without scattering grounds everywhere

35. Open a bag of chips. (very frustrating, but probably for the best…)

36. Crimp my daughters hair (she wanted it done for crazy hair day!)

37. Zip up my wallet

38. Start the car ignition

39. Lift the foot of my Lazy-boy recliner (unfortunately the handle is on the right hand side of the chair)

40. Buckle my seatbelt on the drivers side

41. Floss my teeth

42. Play piano (I don’t play, but I’m sure it’s harder without my right hand

43. Vacuum (it sounds like an excuse to not vaccum, but it’s hard to do without the dominant hand)

44. Paint my toenails (obviously the fingernails are hard, but it’s even hard to paint my toes with my left hand)

45. Type on the laptop

46. Light candles (my safety feature on my candle-starter is hard to maneuver with my left hand)

47. Take photographs (my camera is heavy and I work the lens with my left hand and there’s nothing left to use on the click button)

48. Put on handcream

49. Tie a bow, shoelaces or plastic bag

50. Dust (actually I have no idea whether this is harder to do, but I imagine it’s harder. I try NEVER to dust, just on principle!)

Summer Love

10 things I LOVE LOVE LOVE about the summer vacation…

1. Smell of fresh cut grass. I just LOVE how it smells sort of moist and grassy!

2. Sleeping in. Well, my son gets up between 6:00-7:00am every morning, but he usually lets me sleep in a little bit longer now, thank you PVR!

3. Miller Lake. Our Annual family vacation with our friends in Tobermory happens in August. Unfortunately, we love it so much that we have to resist the urge to wish away our July in anticipation of the week at Miller.

4. VBS. Our church offers a wonderful week-long childrens program in the mornings. This year, PANDA-MANIA baby!!

5. No school lunches to pack! Woohoo….bring on the peanut butter sandwiches!!

6. Camping. I love getting together with friends and taking our families camping for the weekend. Can’t wait to go swimming, roast marshmallows and sit around at night by the campfire free from the need to “get something done” around the house.

7. Scheduling Break. I love being involved in the school and church activities all year long, but it is nice to have a break from all the weekly commitments, at least for a couple of months.

8. Ice cream. Although it is perfectly acceptable to eat ice cream all year long, it just tastes better when it is scorching outside.

9. Strawberries and Raspberries. Need I say more?

10. Having my children home all day. I know that in a few weeks I will probably be wishing I could drop them off at the school for a few hours, but generally, I am excited to have them home. I miss them when they are gone, and they are growing up so fast.

My Favourites Things List

Oprah has one, Maria VonTrapp had one and everyone’s homepage has one…here’s mine…

1. Spray on sunscreen – Look I get that we’re supposed to remember to put sunblock on our children multiple times in a day (double if they go in the water) unfortunately I often forget  procrastinate before we leave the house and I really hate that sticky greasy feeling it leaves on my hands if I am not near a sink. Plus I ALWAYS seem to inadvertantly rub my eyes or tuck my hair behind my ear and that’s just bad. So I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE the stuff that comes out like hairspray! My kidlets are pretty brown and aren’t in danger of burning so as long as I get the SPF 60 on most of their skin via spray to block out the UV rays, I’m a happy camper.
2. Iced Coffee – Not the sacrine-sweet stuff from Timmies, but nice and strong homemade coffee on the rocks. I have a permanent jug in my fridge all summer long if you ever need some. Besides my trainer says I should be drinking 3-4 L of water a day…I suppose it’s fine if I store my water in coffee grounds until I’m ready to drink it…right?
3. My Little Girls’ freshly shampooed hair. Not when it is still wet of course, because then it sort of smells like wet dog. But after it’s dry and I get a hug, taking that deep breath with my face buried in the top of her head…mmm so good.
4. Bear Paws. I had to stop buying them, it’s just a huge temptation. I love them too much!
5. Hair Scrunchies. I know that they are not popular right now and that according to Carrie Bradshaw, “No self-respecting NYC woman would be caught dead running around Manhattan in a scrunchie.” But I love wearing my hair in a comfortable ponytail sometimes and it was nice to have something soft to use that didn’t pull my hair from the roots or pinch it to breaking point. I miss the scrunchie.
6. Air Conditioning – I really enjoy the vastly different seasons that we enjoy here in Canada.  But as much as I love the warm weather of summer super hot and lovely, it’s nice to escape into a frigid air conditioned room!
7. Popcorn. Despite the fact that my teeth are slowing separating as I get older and my gums often feel like they are peeling back from my teeth to allow the popcorn pieces to lodge below the gumline…..I LOVE popcorn. Sweet, salty, flavoured, plain…it doesn’t matter. But if your bringing me some, I’m partial to movie popcorn and Smartfood…I’m just saying…
8. Napping with the window open. I love falling asleep in a room that is really cold and burrowing under the blankets. Generally I am a hot sleeper, and my husband is always cold, so I rarely get to indulge in this quirky pleasure. But if I get the chance to slide open the window in the late fall or jack up the air conditioner and snuggle under the duvet in August, you can BET I take it.
9. Reading. I love reading books. Any kind of books. Summer is the BEST time to get some reading done, I have already started my list of must-reads this summer. Feel free to leave your suggestions for me, I’m always on the lookout for a good-book recomendation.
10. Strawberry picking. Well, actually I prefer to let someone else pick the strawberries, I’m sort of lazy like that. But I do enjoy taking the kids on the wagon ride out to the strawberry patch and letting them tromp around picking some juicy strawberries to fill the basket. I love the smell of the strawberry patch and the way the berries are sort of warm from the sun. However, after about 20 minutes, someone ususally has to go to the bathroom and I am ready to bail and curl up with a good book. So we hit the ready picked berries counter on the way out of the farm. But at least we have pictures to prove that we actually picked SOME of the berries in the jam we’ll enjoy all year long!

 

Smarty Paws

I grew up with dogs. A lot of dogs. Dogs in the house, dogs on the bed and sofa, stray dogs, little dogs, big ugly dogs. Too many dogs.  I love animals in general and most dogs in specific. However after having my fill of dogs when I was growing up,  I didn’t really plan on owning a dog now as a mother. I don’t enjoy cleaning up after them or having to walk them and train them to ensure that they are not doing their business on the floor and chewing my shoes. Kids are a lot of work, I didn’t want the extra load of work that comes with pet ownership. After toilet training two children, the last thing that I wanted was to take care of another creatures’ toileting needs.

However, after my mother passed away we inherited one of her dogs. So Bailey came to live with us…good thing we have two comfortable sofas. Despite the unexpected presence of a lazy mutt in our home, he has become a big part of our family and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

One of the things that I love and appreaciate about my dog is that he is really smart. There are several reasons that Bailey is a Smarty-Paws…in my opinion.

1.  He has us conditioned to let him out in the backyard when he barks, (common for dogs, I know, but bear with me) and then can make us jump up 30 seconds later to let him back in when he has decided that being outside is not exactly where you wanted to be after all.

2.He knows how to maneuver around my husband exactly to avoid reprimand and still get to sit and sleep in his favourite spots. He quietly plays possom on the floor at my side of the bed until the minute my hubby leaves the room in the morning. The bedroom door gets closed and within 2 seconds he has jumped up and has his head resting on hubby’s pillow.

 3. One of his quirks is that he has separation anxiety, so must be caged whenever we leave the house.  On school mornings when the kids are getting ready for school, the dog is already downstairs in his cage before they even start putting on their shoes and coats. How does he know it’s not Saturday?

4. He has us trained to involuntarily pet him whenever he appears on the sofa beside us. It’s usually a surprise to you but before you know it, you are caressing his ears or scratching his belly and he has slipped into a cuddle coma squished up beside you. Very clever.

5. He actually can identify the personalized ring tone of certain people he adores when they call our house. Not only does he know WHO is on the phone, but he seems to understand if she is on her way over to the house in person. This is demonstrated by the fact that when I hang up the phone with her, Bailey goes running to the back door and waits expectantly.  I wonder sometimes, how much else does he understand?  I won’t even change in front of him anymore because I fear he is a sensient being and is laughing at my stretch marks.

 

More Random Observations

* Why do the children ALWAYS drop messy sparkles on the floor when they are doing crafts, and yet NEVER seem to drop m&m’s or skittles when they are enjoying that special treat?

* I wonder sometimes, how do they get potato chips to taste like different foods? I understand dill pickle flavour and ketchup etc…what intrigues me, is how they can make a potato chip taste like onion rings, greek salad,  ballpark hotdogs or buffalo wings? Weird.

* It’s getting harder and harder to differentiate between “working girl” clothes and regular outfits that are popular on young women these days. I was driving in downtown Toronto the other day and there were two women in their 20′s standing on the corner talking. They were both smoking, wearing high-heeled knee-high boots, short short skirts, and tight tops. My companion was positive that they were prostitutes but I am sure that they just wearing what passes for fashion these days! Regardless of who is right, the fact that the lines of “fashion” are so blurred that we are not sure, is most disturbing.

 

* I have to mention my pet peeve about 4-way stop intersections again here…every morning I drive my children to school and I reach the stop sign where I will inevitably encounter another driver wreaking havoc on the interestion by benevolently waiting for the other driver(s) to go first despite the fact that s/he was definitely there first. WHY ARE YOU WAVING ME THROUGH??? It’s not my turn and everyone knows it…by sitting there giving me that smug self-indulgent hand wave, you are causing confusion and putting everyone on edge.

* Who is watching Jersey Shore? Why are they watching it? I tuned in for 15 minutes and can’t for the life of me understand the appeal…? To be honest, after such a short amount of time watching it, I actually felt a little bit dumber and felt like I needed a shower. I’m just saying…

* I’m not sure if I ahould be worried that my 6 year old daughter insists on calling her father ”Fluffy”…she calls the dog “Manny” instead of Bailey (which is his actual name), which doesn’t bother me, but the “Fluffy” thing….not sure…but I guess if he’s ok with it, who am I to argue?

* Sit ups are the worst.

* Whenever I feel bad about my children and their behaviour, I spend an hour and a half observing my daughters gymnastics class. Technically not the class itself, but the waiting room which is inevitably full of siblings, screaming and driving their mom’s (and the rest of us) crazy. When did it become unheard of to simply say “no you can’t have that treat/toy/cell phone”?

* I feel like we should be really thankful that we live in a country where the seasons are vastly different. If it was always hot or always cold we would complain about never getting a rest from it, in fact we get the best of both worlds at sometime throughout the year. Without the nostril-freeziing bluster of February we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the suffocating humidity of August and vice versa!!

* Speaking of suffocating humidity, I just have to say that I think splash pads are the singlemost splendiferous invention since the industrial revolution!!

* I love the store IKEA, but I have to protest their maddening set up that requires you to journey through the ENTIRE store just to get the lightbulbs or rubber spatula you seek. It’s impossible to just run in to that store, not because everything is so enticing (which it is) but because the structure is so convoluted and not easy to maneuver. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the smell of cinnamon buns drawing us towards the restaurant near the exit, I think I would probably still be wandering the halls of IKEA. At least they have comfy places it sit until the search party finds you!

No Accounting for Taste or Crazy

There are some shows on t.v right now that are just incredible, inappropriate or completely dysfunctional. Some of these I have seen one or more times, and some I have simply seen the trailers or reviews and can’t figure out the kind of disturbed individual that could come up with these concepts.

Extreme Couponing – this show is amazing, it’s impossible to change the channel when you click on this program and see someone paying $6.47 for $850.00 worth of groceries! It’s hard to imagine how ANYONE could have trouble making ends meet while living in the United States. Strange and riveting like a car accident, but still a little bit cool.

Hoarders – There’s just no rational explanation for the behaviour on this show. It is impossible to understand living in the midst of rotten food and feces while losing your spouse, children and friends…just awful.

Intervention -  How can they show people using illicit drugs or driving under the influence and broadcast it on tv?

Sister Wives – This is, in my opinion, an example of the worst there is in society today. Polygamy is not only morally reprehensible and degenerate, but is in fact illegal…everywhere in North America. How then is it permitted to be celebrated and shown as entertainment on prime time television? Just one more step down the slippery slope of moral corruption disguised as edgy-must-see-tv.

Jersey Shore – Really? Who is WATCHING this show?

Epic Mealtime – Granted this is not axctually a “TV” show, it’s more of an online aberration. However it is quite similar to a television show and the internet is likely the only medium through which to exhibit some of these disgusting food “projects”. Jack Daniels-Bacon Grease-Egg Nog…really? Lasagna made with 45 fast food hamburgers, buckets of alcohol, onion rings and pounds and pounds of bacon?? Grotesque.

Toddlers & Tiaras – This show just makes me doubt the viability of some people as parents. Generally I am loathe to pass judgement on people for their parenting choices, since we all do the best we can with what we have and no one likes to be judged. However, these parents are parading their children across a stage on a daily basis and on national television, which forces me to form an opinion. Even what as merely shown on the commercial for upcoming episodes is SO reprehensible to me. What kind of person forces their 3 year old daughter to get fake teeth, eyebrows waxed, wear a wig or undergo fake or real tanning?

1000 Ways to Die – This show has morbid graphic reenactments and real-life images of people’s final moments and gruesome injuries. There’s also some strong sexual innuendo…it’s just over the top and gratuitous.

Teen Mom – This show seems to be trying to glorify and legitimize teens getting pregnant when they are too young, emotionally unstable and completely unprepared to raise children responsibly. What is going on in the world today that this seems like a good idea to people?

My Strange Addiction – This one ranks right up there with Hoarders…people who struggle with eating pieces of the sofa cushions, lightbulbs, pounds of raw meat at a time or cornstarch by the spoonfuls. Sick people who need serious emotional help, not thousands of voyeurs watching them living out their dysfunctional lifestyle. It’s just awful.

Sometimes you just need to turn off the t.v and open a good book.

Make a Summer SPLASH!

Here are the top 10 ways to get the most out of your summer and give the most back to your community:

1. Visit the Farmers Market – Just about every town, city and village across this country has a gathering of agricultural vendors. Skip the big box grocery store and stroll down the street while you buy fresh produce from people who live in your community too.
2. Skip the Sprinkler – Why waste water at your house when you could take your family to the local pool or splash pad? Your kids will make friends, you’ll meet new and interesting people and the water is already running which is better for your planet and your pocketbook.
3. Carpool – When you have a day trip planned or you are meeting people at an event, find ways to drive together. The ride will be so much more fun with more people and it will save gas and fuel emissions, making the air a little cleaner.
4. Support the Arts – Want a night out on the town? Find out what concerts or theatre productions are happening in your area. There is no better way to help foster the growing arts community than by patronizing their events, and the bonus for you is that most local shows cost less and it’s easy to get tickets.
5. Have a Garage Sale – Summer is a great time to clear out some clutter that you are not using, meet your neighbours, make a little cash and keep excess stuff out of the local landfills. Consider dedicating your sale to the Cancer Society or  a charity close to your heart. Put up signs letting people know and donate all the proceeds to a good cause.
6. Host a Book Swap – Invite all your friends, family and neighbours to a book exchange at your house. Most people like to get some quality reading in during the summer months, have everyone bring a few books they can part with and then they can pick the same number of books off the table on the way out. Serve some light refreshments, conversation and end up with a few good reads.
7. Keep the Streets Clean – Challenge your family to a litter-duel while on a daytrip, walking through town, camping or visiting the beach. See who can pick up the most litter off the ground while you go about your business. Help make the community cleaner, teach your children about social responsibility and think of how many calories you’ll burn bending down to pick up the trash!
8. Conserve Water – Remember when it’s time to empty the pool, do it in the evening and use the H2O to water your garden and maybe your neighbours as well. When the kids are using the sprinkler or water pistols make sure they remember to stay on the grass not the pavement. You can even remember to toss unfinished bottles or glasses of water into your garden instead of down the drain.
9. Stay Active – It can be very easy in the blistering heat to lounge on the patio or hide out in the air conditioned house. This summer make sure you get out for evening walks or go biking to explore any trails around your town. There’s no reason staying active has to be boring.  Stop for ice cream on the way back from a hike, or enjoy the swimming and shade offered by the local conservation area.
10. Be Grateful – In about 6-7 months everyone will be whining about how cold it is! Remember how your nostrils feel when they freeze shut and how muddy and wet your front hallway is in the winter. Next time you feel the urge to complain about how hot it is…be grateful for changes in the season!

Private Workouts Only

As the warmer weather approaches, ones mind turns to things like shorts, swimsuits, beaches, sundresses and the need to bare a little more skin as the mercury rises…yeesh! So my hubby and I have decided to work together to try and get into better shape this spring…I have had little luck with my personal individual initiatives (Walking, Wii Fit, A 30 minute Belly Dancing Video to name a few…) so I am looking forward to having a partner who has already seen me at my worst *insert horrifying labour story here*…

One might ask, why not join a gym? To avoid unnecesary recounting of the endless list of reasons I would rather exercise in the privacy if my own home, I have called upon a previous blog post that had me laughing recently…I thought a refresher might be just the thing that you need to keep you focussed on a home work out, rather than shelling out the big bucks for a gym membership. 

10 Things I Hate About The Gym

Posted on <:time pubdate=”" datetime=”2010-03-10T19:36:05+00:00″>March 10, 2010 by Lola

1. The Evil Eyes. The way everyone looks at me like I am out of place. Of course I’m at the gym, I’m not very fit (understatement) where else should I be?? I mean, if I was at Krispy Kreme, you’d been telling me to go to the gym! Besides, fitness centres were not made for people who are in perfect shape and perfectly skinny and healthy! They were made for people who can’t tie their shoes…so there!

2. Lack of eye contact. The thing is, now that everyone has an iPod or mp3 player, they are completely oblivious to the fact that there is anyone else at the gym. I understand being absorbed into the music while you are doing your cardio, but it appears that the affixing of the earphones causes the departure of all social skills. Is it so hard just to nod in passing or smile when someone says hi to you?

3. The Booster Juice Bar. Premiere Fitness has a Booster Juice franchise at the entrance of it’s clubs and honestly, I find it pretentious and irritating. Why can’t they just sell regular juice, water, pop etc.. I had a low blood sugar episode soon after I joined the gym and I came stumbling out of the changeroom to buy a bottle of juice and spent 6-7 minutes trying to negotiate a plain glass of juice with no acai or wheat grass. The poor kid behind the counter was so bent on selling me some life changing smoothie with health benefits that would rock my world cost me $20,  that he missed the point that I desperately needed a glass of juice…just juice!

4. The Awful Stairs. I’m of course referring to the huge stairway that takes me up to the second floor workout area. As my health club has a wonderful pool on the lower floor, I have to walk all the way up a giant set of stairs before I can even start working out. Now as much as I loathe the climbing of stairs in general, I specifically have a problem with this set because, after I have killed myself on the eliptical machine I have to then maneuver my shaky legs down a precarious set of steep stairs with some semblance of dignity. Fortunately due to number #2 on this list no one looks at me, so even if I fall, it is unlikely anyone will even notice. 

5. The Divas. Ok so I understand that I am one of the less-than-beautiful people that the club has permitted to join (probably in an effort to remind members what will inevitably happen to them when they stop going to the gym!) But I find it irritating to walk into the change room and see some little blond twit preening and adjusting her bust into just the right angle to ensure that she looks super cute in her workout gear. Who started this? Aren’t you supposed to look terrible when you are working out? Why are girls putting on makeup and fixing their hair and bras to ensure they look sexy before the head onto the floor to sweat and grunt?

6. The Mirrors. There are mirrors EVERYWHERE in the gym! Why? Is our workout routine somewhat more effective if we can see our movements on one of 17 mirrors? Does it help us lose weight when we actually see every ripple and bulging blob move at the worst possible angle? Mirrors in the class rooms, the change roooms, the waiting room, the bathroom, and every mirror has at least 3 angled mirrors attached! Enough! I know I’m out of shape…I don’t need to see all my flabby angles in triplicate!

7. The Naked and Unashamed. Ok so while I’m changing into my workout gear in front of one of the 67 mirrors in the changeroom, I will inevitably see the reflection of someone who is walking around buck naked on their way to or from the shower. Is this uncomfortable for everyone or just me? Why can’t you wrap yourself in a towel? Do you brush your teeth and put on makeup at home in the nude? Does it not even occur to you that the fact that some of us are covering up to change might be an indication that we are not ALL cool with the random nakedness? I’m just saying…

8. Spinning Class. ’nuff said

9. The Televisions. In theory, t.v’s at the gym seem like a great way to keep you entertained and pass the time while working out. Unfortunately they always seem to be left on some stupid channel with a boring show and food commercials or worse a cooking show. Because when you are sweating your butt off on the treadmill, you definitely don’t need to see Rachel Ray slathering pasta with parmesan and serving it up with garlic bread and wine! Of course it doesn’t matter at my gym, where each machine has it’s own t.v with 3 channels, but I always seem to pick the eliptical with the broken t.v…good thing I brought my iPod so I could ignore other people.

10. The Fitness Assesment. When I joined the gym, I had to pay the club my intro fee and also $50 for a session with the personal trainer, where he measured and “assessed” how fit fat I was. Really? Can’t you tell by looking at me that I am fat and out of shape? Could we just agree on that, save my $50 and go for a coffee or something? Or better yet, maybe I could pay $75 and you could tell me that I am NOT fat! That would be a very rewarding trip to the gym.

Bragging Rights Only…

I often submit articles to different magazines and papers hoping that they will print my stuff in their letters to the editor or in their “Guest Column” section. Considering the fact that I don’t spend a lot of time submitting pieces to publications, I am pleased with the number of positive responses I have received. But I really do like to see my writing in print and I secretly hope that everyone will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. However, depsite having been printed in a couple of places and added to some “will print in the future possibly” lists, I have yet to make this a lucrative career in any way. For now, I indulge myself and the few people who regularluy read this blog, by continuing to upload my thoughts on a semi-regular basis.

So imagine my surprise when I found that I had been used as a “Reference” in an article on eHow.com! I swear I was shocked when I saw that someone had researched the subject of Carbon Footprints etc. and had decided to use something he found in my online article that I had written a few years ago (writing for which I WAS getting paid at the time). I even made the “Reference” section of his article. (check it out near the bottom of the page, I changed the colour to purple to make sure you can’t miss it!!)

Well, I’m glad that I am helping SOMEONE get paid for their writing! So I decided to upload his article and the link for my readers to have a look at, in an effort to at least encourage fellow writers…and show that maybe I am a little better writer than I thought….next stop…NOBEL PRIZE!

How to Reverse the Human Footprint

 

1.  Hans Fredrick has been busy in the online writing world since 2005. He has written on diverse topics ranging from career advice for actors to tips for motorcycle maintenance. He holds a Bachelor of Fine Arts from the University of Saskatchewan.

   By Hans Fredrick, eHow Contributorupdated: April 27, 2011

Don’t leave items plugged in that drain energy.

The term “footprint” is an environmental term used to describe how large of an impact a person, city or nation has on the environment. While it is hard to reduce this on a large scale, it is manageable for individuals to take actions that will reduce their own footprint significantly. If enough individuals are motivated to reduce environmental footprints, it begins to reduce the larger footprint cast by a community or city as a whole.

 

Instructions

 

• 1. Stop junk mail from coming to your home. Request that a company no longer mail you things and the law requires that it stops. This prevents more than 40 pounds of paper from showing up at your house each year, all of which needs to be recycled or thrown out and which takes fuel, energy and time to produce and ship to you.       

• 2. Eat local food. Food that is harvested, packaged or manufactured around the world consumes a huge amount of energy to end up on your table. If you eat food that is grown, packaged and sold locally, you reduce the size of your ecological footprint considerably.

• 3. Change your primary transportation method. Your vehicle is one of the primary contributors to an invasive ecological footprint. If you need a car, make sure it is a fuel-efficient model, and have it serviced regularly to ensure the best possible fuel economy. Rely on public transportation as much as you can, and walk or bike when possible. This not only reduces your footprint, but improves your health.                                                              

• 4. Implement energy-efficient practices while in your home. This includes setting the heat on a timer so that it is not heating the house when you are away. Turn off all appliances when not in use and unplug them when you are away from home.
• 5. Purchase items that have less chemical products in them, as the production of those products is bad for the environment. For example, skin care products and tooth paste that are made from natural or food ingredients primarily are the greenest options. The more lengthy chemical names you see on a label, the worse that product is for the environment.

 

• Sustainability InstituteContinuingStudies.UBC.ca
• Learn to Integrate Sustainability in Your Organization. Register Now!
• KOHLER Water Conservationwww.KOHLER.ca
• Learn How Kohler Can Help You Reduce Water Consumption at Home.
• Have EcoLiving Ideas?www.Scotiabank.com/Ecoliving
• Win Up To $75 000 in Awards. Find Out How To Win Now!
• GHG Emissions Verifiedwww.carbonverificationservice.com
• Independent, accredited experts verify your GHG Inventory.

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References

• Washington Post; Shrink Your Ecological Footprint; Bridget Bentz Sizer; 2006
• 100 Mile Diet: Why Eat Local
• Changing Gears; Community Living: Shrink Your Ecological Footprint; Nicole Saldia
• Carbon Footprint: Carbon Footprint Reduction
• Millburn-Shorthills Patch; Five Things to Know About Your Carbon Footprint; Michele Salt Horn

Resources

• Time For Change: What is a Carbon Footprint – Definition

• Photo Credit: Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images;

Read more: How to Reverse the Human Footprint | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_8307306_reverse-human-footprint.html#ixzz1Lybw1v7U

Open Letter to English Speakers

Dear English Speakers Everywhere;

This letter is a Final Notice regarding your gratuitous use of inane, inaccurate or misspelled words and phrases in everyday conversation, texting or social networking. I would like to encourage you to refrain from using any and all of the following phrases when communicating with other humans because, well, they are really annoying.

Poor you. This attempt at sympathy just sounds fake and contrived regardless of who is using it.

2.0 — The 2.0 suffix is attached to the next generation of everything, it’s getting old.

Acts of God – everything is an Act of God

Luvs that girl! I know that this is very popular and some of you will claim that it is catchy and cute, however I must correct you. It’s silly, unless you are 2 years old.

AIGHT- this is appropriate if you are impersonating 50Cent or are frequently found to also be using “Imma” in a sentence in place of the correct phrase “I am going to…” In which case, there’s really no further point in negotiations, please have your representative contact our legal department.

Talk AT you later – this is you announcing your obnoxious intention. Why not wait and see if the listener finds your tone abrasive? Why would you forewarn them that you are going to be rude?

PREREBUTTAL: A prerebuttal allows you to make a rebuttal for an accusation before it’s even made. However the word Rebuttal means to offer a contrary contention or argument. If you do this BEFORE the other person puts out their accusation, what is your Rebuttal contrary TO??

Misunderestimate – not a word

Serial Monogomy – “Monogomy” is the custom or condition of having only one mate in a marriage for a lifetime. “Serial Monogomy” is having multiple partners in a lifetime but only one at a time. Not at all the same thing. Trying to legitimize the practice by adding the word “serial” just cheapens it and totally changes the meaning…lets call a spade a spade.

Truthiness – it’s important to remember that this is a Stephen Colbert-ism, not in fact a proper word. Unless you are actually Mr.Colbert, please stick to the correct word,  Truthfulness. 

                                                             —————————————————–

We feel the need to highlight a subsection of language that has come to our attention and must be attended to with urgency. With the popularity and rise in real-time text-based communications and social networking, comes the emergence of a new language tailored to the immediacy and efficacy of these new forms of communication. Please ensure that you are not allowing your speech and orthography to deteriorate with any of the following phrases and word spellings.

NTHING – Means “nothing”…whew…good thing your dropped a vowel…I hear there’s a REAL shortage on “o’s”!

BISFLATM – means, “Boy, I sure feel like a turquoise monkey!” Do we REALLY need a short form for this…

NEO – means ‘New’…why not just write NEW? The word is exactly the same length!

NE – Any…wow, think of all the stuff you can accomplish in the time you saved by texting this with ONE LESS letter!

NOWL – “meaning knowledge” ha ha ha…really????

Kewl – It’s NOT EVEN SHORTER!!! It’s just bad spelling/grammar!! Stop It!

WRK – means “work”…hopefully you are looking for a job that doesn’t require much typing if you can’t muster enough energy to type all 4 letters in a 4-letter word!

NSISR – “Not Sure If Spelled Right”….you’re not sure??? Let me help you out…it’s NOT SPELLED RIGHT!!

Although this list is in no way completely comprehensive, we hope that you will cease and desist in all the areas that have been outlined in this letter in an effort to increase the general level of intelligence in your community. Should you have any questions or care to dispute any of the aforementioned crimes against the English Language, please click on this link  for further infomation. Thank you in advance for your co-operation, we anticipate a positive relationship between yourselves and the English Language as you take the opportunity for personal growth.

Sincerely,

The Office of Orthography

———————————————————————————————————————————————

More Adventures Online…

I have to admit that I have been at it again, checking out the “Free Stuff” section of online marketplaces like kijiji and craigslist. I know it’s sad, but to tell the truth I find it quite funny to see the type of things that people are giving away and the condition of said items. Perhaps even more intriguing to me is what kind of people actually agree to go and take these “free” things….

I thought I would share with you once again, some of my favourite finds. These item listings are exactly as they appeared on the websites in bold, the blue italics  are mine.

1. I have 3 1/2 tonnes of free pea gravel! We used it to cover the floor of our carpark and are finding that the local cats use it as kitty litter so we need to try a different surface. If you are willing to come and shovel it out and transport it, you can have it for free. It’s a bit dirty but a good rain should rinse it right off.” - so basically you have a giant litter box that you want me to come and clean for free??

2. “Old Walnut Dining Table, Quality looks better in picture than it really is” - well as long as it’s WORSE than the picture

3. Hotpoint basic top load washer. It works but has a bit of glitch. If you will consider the glitch, call me and I’ll explain. – um…Define “Glitch”…is it full of kitty litter?

4. I have a drop side crib in great condition, not including the mattress. NOT TO BE USED FOR BABY! - don’t worry, I plan on using it for a lawn ornament anyways…

5. Free Adult Power Ranger Costume. Green ranger,spandex with shield,armbands, belt and dagger/dagger holder.
     only worn 2 times for fanexpo 2010 and halloween, got a new cobra commander costume for this year and want to clear  closet  space. Also green bandana , no helmet sorry. - well if it had a helmet maybe….

6. Used Lavatory for Free - *this listing even came complete with nasty filthy pictures!*

7. Sofa, Very nice and in good condition but it needs a good vacuuming. We had a cat. - so if I actually pay something for it, would you vacuum it before I pick it up? gross.

8. 25 empty plastic vitamin bottle containers - so you just really me to carry them out to the recycling box then, is that it?

9. Giving away 2 HUGE compost bins with compost in it!
They are in my backyard from the previous owner and I have little kids who can’t play near it. – so it’s 2 giant vats of rotting compost? Um gross.

10. Anyone want a DEAD Motomaster eliminator battery booster? Around 8 years old, doesn’t hold a charge. - are you going to pay ME to remove your broken charger?

11. 27″ t.v. prima works perfectly but the color is funny. Get it out of my house. - well since you asked so nicely…

12. Full grocery bag of wine corks that have accumulated over the last little…oh who knows. - did you want to just drop them off to me on your way to AA?